Dungeons and Dragons: A Drunken Rant!

Its been a while since I last posted anything. This is mostly about 5e D&D.

Fuck you Tolkienesque races! While I know they are iconic to D&D, I'm not obligated to run a Middle Earth setting, nor am I obligated to have them in my setting. Also, holy hell! Every new fantasy RPG have some flavor of Elf, Dwarf and Halfling, and worst have a ton of variation of them. Each and everyone of one of them are one bland stereotype after another! If your setting has five or more versions of "Elf" (or equivalent) your setting... is... shit!

Tonally, my fantasy setting are a mix of Conan- and Elric-styled Sword & Sorcery with Sword & Saddles, so humans are predominant. Non-human people are rare and are generally alien in thinking. The one exception I make are dark elves. Namely, a Drow-like race modeled on Elric of Melniboné. A degenerate race of pale, amoral sorcerers and slavers who once controlled the world but are now dying off. But don’t call them "elves" as they are not fay. Gnomes are small rock-people. Dwarves, elves and fairies are of old folklore and are scary, amoral supernatural freaks of nature.

Fuck you Paladin! You white-knight motherfucker! I never liked alignment and you are inescapably tied to it! The only good thing Wizards did with you is brake you from your Lawful Good restriction. But I never liked you! The way you have to be moralistic ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I hate your divine power of abject goodytwoshoeness! Fuck, I remember when you could not get ANY disease. Could you even shit back in the 2e era? Did you fart lavender? If your 'lay-on-hand' could heal wounds, what would a healing handjob do? I have no time to fuck around with your Born Again bullshit! I would not mind you so much back in the 3e day, but you were a core class. There is a problem with that: You were meant to be a 'sub-class' of Fighter. Well, more like an enchanted Fighter with a lot of powerful options with the restrictions that comes with it. If you fail to live up to your mile-high standards, you loose your abilities and become a basic-bitch Fighter, and must redeem yourself to become a Paladin again. If anything, you should have been a Prestige Class of fighter. That is, you must work for it and work to keep it!

But still, you were never a tonal-fit for my settings. Fuck your Camelot bullshit! Fuck off!

Fuck you Ranger! You never made sense. What the fuck are you? When I think "Ranger", I think of a rugged frontiersmen like Daniel Boone or David Crockett, or a feral child like Tarzan or Dar from The Beastmaster. So where do all the spell-casting comes from? Is there a Wizarding School in the jungle? "Me Tarzan of House Muffleduff." Fuck that noise! Also, why are Rangers so much better at survival than Barbarians? Barbarians are native people deeply connected to the untamed land they families hailed from. Rangers (the non-feral types) are colonizers from civilized stock. What white-savor bullshit is this?

I have no issue with Rangers being in the game, but they need to be a Fighter archetype with scaled down abilities, they get no animal companion, and THEY CANNOT CAST SPELLS!

Fuck you Barbarian! No wait. You are not a Barbarian: You are a fucking Berserker! All you can do is scream and murder shit with a big-ass axe. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love to murder shit with a big-ass axe. My crawlspaces are a testament to this pastime. My issue with the "Barbarian" Berserker class is that is you ONLY fucking option! Natural survivalist? No, that is for colonists. Having a cool animal side companion like in a Frank Frazetta painting? No, that is also for the colonists. The ability to kick ass without a big-ass axe? Ask the DM if feats are used and take Tavern Brawler, if not, you are usless without a weapon like a basic-bitch Fighter. Can I use raw animal magnetism on those I want to fuck? Wait what? You know, the ability to use Strength for Charisma tests based on physical sex-appeal? HA-HA-HA-HA... no, you silly fuckboy! Do I get any good archetypes? Fuck no! Can I do anything beyond Rage? NO, you fucking dipshit! That is all you can do! You are a fucking hammer and EVERY MOTHER-FUCKER AROUND YOU IS A FUCKING NAIL!!!

My Barbarian is a masterful brawler and survivalist. While they can do a lot of damage with a big-ass axe, they are not formally trained in weapon combat, so they relay on improvised combat. They deadly with anything they can get their hands on, be it with a crude wooden club, a bar stool or some rando's body. Berserker is a class option, but so is Beastmaster.

Fuck off Cleric! I don’t need you. You don’t mach the tone of my setting.

I rather use Magic-Users in your place. "Behold! I'm a Priest of the Pit Lord. I'm a Cleric, but mechanically, I'm a Wizard with the same list of spells! I will summon the guard as I'm not good at fighting and only have a fancy staff to defend myself with."

Fuck you Vancian spell-casting! I mean, Dying Earth is a fine novel, but I don’t want to base the magic of my settings on this. I rather roll to see if one could cast a spell. I prefer magic to be tonally eerie and lacking in utility. Magic missile, shield or floating disc? Nope. Read minds or know alignment? Nope. Powerful-but-dangerous demon-bound-sword in place of generic magical +X sword? Yes! More of this, please. Nasty curses, corpse-fucking necromancy, the summoning and wording of demons and spirits, haruspicy, drawn out rituals, transformation on the level of An American Werewolf in London, catastrophic miss-casting that results in wide-spread disaster, wizards that come off like serial killers? OH... HELL... YEAH!!! fap fap fap fap fap

Fuck you Bard! You don’t need to be the only social-focused class! While I have no issue that you need to seduce every dragon you encounter (any jackass can do it; see Shrek), you don't have to monopolize the act of putting your dick into anything, or anyone! Speaking of which...

I do like the option of having a specialized from of Rogue that is Charisma-based, and with skilled tied to seduction, manipulation and prestidigitation. Over the years I have see names like Houri, Courtesan, Temptress/Tempters, Charlatan and Mountebank, but they all play the same, and they need not be exclusively gendered. The best ones have a "secret art", such a spycraft, court politics or witchcraft. Yes, they fuck their way to success and play dangerous games with powerful people but this is the sort of Games of Thrones bullshit that I really like!

I do like Bards, but I want to take them beyond a simple Troubadour or Skald. I have seen a class from Crimson Blades II called the Griot with a number of cool features, like the King's Ear and the use of witchcraft to secretly "supplement" their knowledge-gathering.

Fuck off Monks! I don’t need you! Or at least, not the Shaolin Kung-Fu Monks. D&D is SOOOO focused on armed combat, they don’t know how to make characters kick-ass without weapons and armor! Its the same issue I have with the Barbarian. Imagine an acrobatic-fighter parkouring their way around the battleground, dodging blows and tripping-up fighters. That is the kinetic action I want to see in D&D combat, but I don’t care about Shaolin Monks as there are a lot of spirituality tied to this archetype that I don’t want to get players bogged down with. More over, beyond personal goals, characters need materialism as a default driving force for adventure.

One thing I have been working on is a class of acrobatic-fighter who are former slaves who use dance and acrobatics to hide their combat training in order to revolt. Without a cruel masters to fight, they are free-agents trying to make a living or find a new cause to fight for.

Fuck you Warlocks! I actually like you, but I'm on a fucking roll. If I can change one thing about you, it to make you less optimized towards Eldritch Blast.

And finally...

Fuck you janky-ass combat system! As you gain level, on top of gaining new class abilities, you take more damage, can hit better and can better avoid unusual effects though saves. But at the same time, your damage output and ability to avoid mundane attacks remains the same unless you get some feat or class feature. Fuck that noise! The static damage thing is a long standing thing. What is the point of Hit Dice if they are not used for the amount of dice you rolling combat? Imagine who quickly combat would be if a 9th level Fighter can take down an adult green dragon with 9d8 of a sword attack! Imagine that vary Fighter forgoing bulky-ass metal armor for a sexy chainmail bikini or metal cod piece due to high Dex and dodge bonuses!

Oh wait! You are that pedantic fuck who like to go online and bitch about how unrealistic "boob-plate" is or why Dragonborn women should not have big fat mommy-milkers! FUCK YOU! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY TABLE! I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN AND YOU ARE A FUCKING JOYKILL!!!