Dungeons and Dragons: A Drunken Rant!

Its been a while since I last posted anything. This is mostly about 5e D&D.

Fuck you Tolkienesque races! While I know they are iconic to D&D, I'm not obligated to run a Middle Earth setting, nor am I obligated to have them in my setting. Also, holy hell! Every new fantasy RPG have some flavor of Elf, Dwarf and Halfling, and worst have a ton of variation of them. Each and everyone of one of them are one bland stereotype after another! If your setting has five or more versions of "Elf" (or equivalent) your setting... is... shit!

Tonally, my fantasy setting are a mix of Conan- and Elric-styled Sword & Sorcery with Sword & Saddles, so humans are predominant. Non-human people are rare and are generally alien in thinking. The one exception I make are dark elves. Namely, a Drow-like race modeled on Elric of Melniboné. A degenerate race of pale, amoral sorcerers and slavers who once controlled the world but are now dying off. But don’t call them "elves" as they are not fay. Gnomes are small rock-people. Dwarves, elves and fairies are of old folklore and are scary, amoral supernatural freaks of nature.

Fuck you Paladin! You white-knight motherfucker! I never liked alignment and you are inescapably tied to it! The only good thing Wizards did with you is brake you from your Lawful Good restriction. But I never liked you! The way you have to be moralistic ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I hate your divine power of abject goodytwoshoeness! Fuck, I remember when you could not get ANY disease. Could you even shit back in the 2e era? Did you fart lavender? If your 'lay-on-hand' could heal wounds, what would a healing handjob do? I have no time to fuck around with your Born Again bullshit! I would not mind you so much back in the 3e day, but you were a core class. There is a problem with that: You were meant to be a 'sub-class' of Fighter. Well, more like an enchanted Fighter with a lot of powerful options with the restrictions that comes with it. If you fail to live up to your mile-high standards, you loose your abilities and become a basic-bitch Fighter, and must redeem yourself to become a Paladin again. If anything, you should have been a Prestige Class of fighter. That is, you must work for it and work to keep it!

But still, you were never a tonal-fit for my settings. Fuck your Camelot bullshit! Fuck off!

Fuck you Ranger! You never made sense. What the fuck are you? When I think "Ranger", I think of a rugged frontiersmen like Daniel Boone or David Crockett, or a feral child like Tarzan or Dar from The Beastmaster. So where do all the spell-casting comes from? Is there a Wizarding School in the jungle? "Me Tarzan of House Muffleduff." Fuck that noise! Also, why are Rangers so much better at survival than Barbarians? Barbarians are native people deeply connected to the untamed land they families hailed from. Rangers (the non-feral types) are colonizers from civilized stock. What white-savor bullshit is this?

I have no issue with Rangers being in the game, but they need to be a Fighter archetype with scaled down abilities, they get no animal companion, and THEY CANNOT CAST SPELLS!

Fuck you Barbarian! No wait. You are not a Barbarian: You are a fucking Berserker! All you can do is scream and murder shit with a big-ass axe. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love to murder shit with a big-ass axe. My crawlspaces are a testament to this pastime. My issue with the "Barbarian" Berserker class is that is you ONLY fucking option! Natural survivalist? No, that is for colonists. Having a cool animal side companion like in a Frank Frazetta painting? No, that is also for the colonists. The ability to kick ass without a big-ass axe? Ask the DM if feats are used and take Tavern Brawler, if not, you are usless without a weapon like a basic-bitch Fighter. Can I use raw animal magnetism on those I want to fuck? Wait what? You know, the ability to use Strength for Charisma tests based on physical sex-appeal? HA-HA-HA-HA... no, you silly fuckboy! Do I get any good archetypes? Fuck no! Can I do anything beyond Rage? NO, you fucking dipshit! That is all you can do! You are a fucking hammer and EVERY MOTHER-FUCKER AROUND YOU IS A FUCKING NAIL!!!

My Barbarian is a masterful brawler and survivalist. While they can do a lot of damage with a big-ass axe, they are not formally trained in weapon combat, so they relay on improvised combat. They deadly with anything they can get their hands on, be it with a crude wooden club, a bar stool or some rando's body. Berserker is a class option, but so is Beastmaster.

Fuck off Cleric! I don’t need you. You don’t mach the tone of my setting.

I rather use Magic-Users in your place. "Behold! I'm a Priest of the Pit Lord. I'm a Cleric, but mechanically, I'm a Wizard with the same list of spells! I will summon the guard as I'm not good at fighting and only have a fancy staff to defend myself with."

Fuck you Vancian spell-casting! I mean, Dying Earth is a fine novel, but I don’t want to base the magic of my settings on this. I rather roll to see if one could cast a spell. I prefer magic to be tonally eerie and lacking in utility. Magic missile, shield or floating disc? Nope. Read minds or know alignment? Nope. Powerful-but-dangerous demon-bound-sword in place of generic magical +X sword? Yes! More of this, please. Nasty curses, corpse-fucking necromancy, the summoning and wording of demons and spirits, haruspicy, drawn out rituals, transformation on the level of An American Werewolf in London, catastrophic miss-casting that results in wide-spread disaster, wizards that come off like serial killers? OH... HELL... YEAH!!! fap fap fap fap fap

Fuck you Bard! You don’t need to be the only social-focused class! While I have no issue that you need to seduce every dragon you encounter (any jackass can do it; see Shrek), you don't have to monopolize the act of putting your dick into anything, or anyone! Speaking of which...

I do like the option of having a specialized from of Rogue that is Charisma-based, and with skilled tied to seduction, manipulation and prestidigitation. Over the years I have see names like Houri, Courtesan, Temptress/Tempters, Charlatan and Mountebank, but they all play the same, and they need not be exclusively gendered. The best ones have a "secret art", such a spycraft, court politics or witchcraft. Yes, they fuck their way to success and play dangerous games with powerful people but this is the sort of Games of Thrones bullshit that I really like!

I do like Bards, but I want to take them beyond a simple Troubadour or Skald. I have seen a class from Crimson Blades II called the Griot with a number of cool features, like the King's Ear and the use of witchcraft to secretly "supplement" their knowledge-gathering.

Fuck off Monks! I don’t need you! Or at least, not the Shaolin Kung-Fu Monks. D&D is SOOOO focused on armed combat, they don’t know how to make characters kick-ass without weapons and armor! Its the same issue I have with the Barbarian. Imagine an acrobatic-fighter parkouring their way around the battleground, dodging blows and tripping-up fighters. That is the kinetic action I want to see in D&D combat, but I don’t care about Shaolin Monks as there are a lot of spirituality tied to this archetype that I don’t want to get players bogged down with. More over, beyond personal goals, characters need materialism as a default driving force for adventure.

One thing I have been working on is a class of acrobatic-fighter who are former slaves who use dance and acrobatics to hide their combat training in order to revolt. Without a cruel masters to fight, they are free-agents trying to make a living or find a new cause to fight for.

Fuck you Warlocks! I actually like you, but I'm on a fucking roll. If I can change one thing about you, it to make you less optimized towards Eldritch Blast.

And finally...

Fuck you janky-ass combat system! As you gain level, on top of gaining new class abilities, you take more damage, can hit better and can better avoid unusual effects though saves. But at the same time, your damage output and ability to avoid mundane attacks remains the same unless you get some feat or class feature. Fuck that noise! The static damage thing is a long standing thing. What is the point of Hit Dice if they are not used for the amount of dice you rolling combat? Imagine who quickly combat would be if a 9th level Fighter can take down an adult green dragon with 9d8 of a sword attack! Imagine that vary Fighter forgoing bulky-ass metal armor for a sexy chainmail bikini or metal cod piece due to high Dex and dodge bonuses!

Oh wait! You are that pedantic fuck who like to go online and bitch about how unrealistic "boob-plate" is or why Dragonborn women should not have big fat mommy-milkers! FUCK YOU! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY TABLE! I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN AND YOU ARE A FUCKING JOYKILL!!!

These Colors Run Dead

There is a style of flag in the U.S. that is pattered on the American flag, but is entirely black and while save to a blue band running in the middle were it should be white. A more extreme variant has it in a Punisher skull (like in the Marvel comics). This flag is called the "Blue Lives Matter" flag to most, and "The Thin Blue Line" flag to those who wave it. The idea is that the "thin blue line" is the barrier between "Order" (good, law-abiding citizens) and "Chaos" (deviant criminals and anarchists) and that law enforcement protects "Order" from "Chaos". But that is bullshit!

For one, law enforcement is the "Order"! They are its agents of enforcement. And for another, freedom — true freedom; the type Conservatives clam they want and Libertarians are more honest about — is inherently chaotic. More over, the Punisher skull variant undermines this, as it is naked display authority without justice. Cops who spot this would be less subtle with a Judge Dredd badge or if they pack Dirty Harry's Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum like they want the world to know that they are packing a baby-dick. Law enforcement idealizing a psycho who'll shoot a jaywalker is comically on the nose.

What that flag is about is just fascism, plan is simple. It is about the police-state. It is about subjugation of "The Other". It is about enabling corruption by those in power. It is about maintaining a system even when it is broken. It is the banner of the Evil Empire!

There is a reason why people are risking COVID-19 in protest. There is a reason why the burning of the Third Precinct police station in Minneapolis was a good thing. For too long, the police suffer from the "If Your Only Tool Is a Hammer Then Every Problem Looks Like a Nail" dilemma with their training. They are too reliant on firearm training and lack de-escalation skills. Are are also no better than a gang. The police culture — an informal wall of silence among members of law enforcement — is more in keeping to frat boys and organized crime, which puts the welfare of the so-called "bad apples" above any semblance of justice, with "bad apples" being a comical euphemism used by police agencies to dismiss individuals who were caught, despite them being the products of law enforcement training (no to mention the fact that the full statement is "one bad apple spoils the whole bunch", which is appropriate but always with a dumb sense of irony).

I grew-up knowing how useless the police are when you live in a "red-lined" neighborhood. I grew-up seeing how the police behave when they think know one is looking. I grew-up knowing the actions law enforcement takes when someone crosses them. I grew-up knowing that the wife and kids of a cop have no were to turn to if they are abused by him, nor can they ever escape. I grew-up hearing that the legal system dont give a damn about rape-victims how cops who rape can just get away with it. And due to all that, I grew-up with not respect for authority or the system.

Until they get their shit together the social contract is broken. Their badge — their authority — is meaningless. The scale and the gavel is broken. People should see them no better than another street gang (black people been doing that forever) and we should fight to keep our streets safe. This is nothing new in the US. In the '60s, The Black Panther Moment formed to deal with racist cops. People forget that the most successful insurrection in the United States was the Battle of Athens in 1946, and that involved a shootout with over two-hundred Sharif Deputies (who were in a prison house rigging a local election) loosing to scores of armed WWII veterans. (I don't think gun-rights activists ever bring this event up, ever. Even though is about good-guys-with-guns fighting tyranny and winning. Its like they don't want to alienate their blue-lives supporters.) I'm not saying that people should embrace mindless mayhem and lawlessness, nor am I saying that we should kill cops (I mean, outside of self-defense). No, we can do better! If there is going to be stability, there needs to be accountability as well as better methods of peacekeeping, and the only way to get there is to dismantle the system and makes something better, even it its from the ground-up.

 

Until then...

 

This Machine (Terrorist?) Kills Fascists!

Well, it seems that as an anti-fascist person — as any good American would be — I am now deemed a criminal terrorist.

My little Punk Rock heart is now all a flutter. ;)

Much like how the Russian and Chinese governments only allowing "state-approved" (that is, pro-state) Hip-hop/Rap and rock music within their countries, you can make almost anything infinitely cooler by having an authoritarian figure and/or state tell people that something is criminal (not to mention the amazing underground scenes). And in the case of Punk Rock and Hip-hop, that gives a lot of creed to the genre and performers.

So in these troubled times, just remember what we did back in WWII:

THIS... is how you make 'Merica great again!

And to all the folks who like to march goosestep to the drums of a dickless "strong leader", well...

Oh, and for anyone who is going to bitch that I'm calling Corporal Bone-Spurs "Another Hitler", I am not, as that would be giving him waaay too much credit. He is just a dumber, frumpier Mussolini.

Toilet Paper Shortage

Things would be way better if more folks knew how to use these properly:

That is all. Go about your business of being stuck at home.

The Star Warriors Setting

Some time ago, on a Blog not too far away...

[plays loud orchestral music]

Years ago on the Blog From the Sorcerer's Skull, the owner "Tray" came up with a neat little pulp space setting that takes place in the far-off Azuran System called The Star Warriors.

At first it comes off as just another Star Wars-inspired setting with an evil regime (the Authority), a battle between an order of heroic mystic space knights (the Star Knights) verses an order of evil occult space sorcerers (the Dark Star Warriors) with a supernatural element that is the source light and dark magic (The Enigma Source and Anti-Source), and with some wild west added for flavoring. But when you really look at it, it was inspired by the Vega star system from the Green Lantern comics and the Micronauts' Homeworld from the Marvel comic, as well as a number of obscure '80s toy lines, like the Lords of Light, Power Lords, BraveStarr, etc. (The 1980s was a sea of obscure cartoons and toy lines.)

 

(Although, it should be said that after Star Wars cough lightning in a bottle, just about everyone wanted to create "the next Star Wars", so the '80s was full of wannabe Star Wars films. And the cartoon-toy craze of the 1980s was due to the successes of Star Wars mechanizing.)

At first, I tried to come up with comprehensive background details on history, customs, costumes, military ranks, etc., as well as stock NPCs both good and bad, but it quickly occurred to me that it was too much detail for a sandbox. Having a good foundation is fine, but I still want the setting to be open-ended enough to make it malleable, without binding myself into a straitjacket. Nor do I want to front-load a butch of powerful NPC heroes to steal the player-character's thunder. After all, if the setting already has powerful heroes in play, what is the point of the player character.

That is the charm about the setting. Even with how fantastic the Star Wars setting is, the glut of background information ("canon" and "legends"), as well as the limitations placed in the well-established setting, makes it hard to run as a role-playing setting. The Star Warriors is a rough outline fresh for adventure and individual world-building. I take whats there and add my own flavoring to the stew, in service to my own games. I see this setting as a place where you'll find 17th century pirates as space-pirates in rocketships; Barsoomian-like people going through space in elegant Spelljammer-like ships; space gypsies; space-elves that look like the nymphish woman in an old Leiji Matsumoto anime; a backwater barbarian hero who is applying his/herself as a great space adventurer; and so on and so forth. Pure kitchen-sink fantasy... IN SPACE!!!

You can find more info about the setting here, here, here, here and here.

Here are my ideas:

NEW ORGANIZATIONS

THE CONSORTIUM
This large, powerful corporate conglomerate is the Authority's principle ship and weapon manufacturer. Both entities believes that they are more pivotal to the stability of the Azuran system than the other, buy they are so inescapably codependent off one another that nether side can get control of the other without undoing them both. But that does not stop the scheming and power-plays. The corporate leaders live apart from the common people; in the an orbiting space station above Omicron, the Sky Follower — once a splendid garden park open for anyone to enjoy.

AUTHORITY ENFORCERS
Enforcers form the backbone of the Authority. Covered in black armored spacesuits and armed with lethal weapons and training, Authority Enforcers are fanatically loyal to Authority High Command. They are soldiers who also serve as law enforcement. The most elite become the infamous Night Watch Enforcers — the Authority's covert commandos and secret police. Good citizens of the Azuran System would be wise to not cross Enforcers as the Authority does not tolerate dissension!

FREEDOM FIGHTERS
Although treated as a monolithic terrorist organization by the Authority, Freedom Fighters are individual insurgence groups with their own leadership, goals and... methods. They range from small bands of scrappy rebellious youth, to well-armed fleets ships and guerrilla fighters; from noble renegade Star Knights, to heartless desperadoes. Without a great leader to unite them, each group bravely and desperately fights a hopeless battle to brake the iron grip of the evil Authority.

ELYSIA'S RESISTANCE FLEET
Formed form the survivors of the conquest of Elysia by the Authority, they form a scrappy but well-disciplined and well-armed fleet. They have a good number of warships and fighters, and with the right planing and strategy, could take down an Authority's armada head on, but with limited resources, it would be a pyrrhic victory at best. They lack dedicated troops and are dependent on allies for ground battles. When confronted with Authority Enforcers, all they have are technicians and pilots with sidearms.

THE WAYFARERS
Travailing in old but well-decorated rocketships, these spacerborne free-spirited vagabonds are a mix of tramp traders, grifters, entertainers and mystics. They are not trusted by civilized people and the Authority see them all with suspect. People seek them out for their fortunetelling abilities, to acquire rare and exotic (and often illicit) goods, or to take in their exotic performances. Their strange music and dance are said to induce an unearthly ecstasy! Whilst there are those who want them to settle down, the wild heart of a Wayfarer will never allow it.

SPACE PIRATES
In the chaotic reaches of the Azuran system, space bandits pray on helpless merchant ships and passenger liners. Pirates are feared through out the Azuran System! A few Captains are bold enough to dare strike Authority supply convoys. Vary few pirates are noble, as most are just in it for wealth. Although seen as nothing more than a fairy tale by hopeful youth, there is a legend of a roguish Space Pirate Captain who is driven by revenge and justice to defeat the Authority.

THE BLACK STAR PIRATES
The most infamous Space Piratefleet in the whole Azuran system! Their brutality is the stuff of legends and nightmares! While most Space Pirates would keep prisoners for the sake of slavers and ransoms, they have been known to kill off whole ships of crew and passengers, including on luxury ships full of rich passengers, from time-to-time as a stark reminder to the Azuran System that they are a force not to be reckoned with. As they have a robust trading center for slaves and stolen goods at the well-guarded space fortress on Skull Rock, they are the most well-equipped pirate fleet in the Azuran system. The bounty on an individual Black Star Pirate Ship is enough to buy a small moon!

NEW WORLDS

Omicron: The Industrial Planet
This ancient planet is covered in layers of urban expansion. Once the economic center of the Azuran system, the collapses of the Solar Alliance brought an era of warring corporate feudal states within Omicron that help gave rise to the Authority that filled the power vacuum left by the Alliance. Through the Authority, the corporations coalesced into a single corporate entity: The Consortium. The upper-levels are made up of Consortium-controlled businesses, while the mid-levels are made up of Consortium-controlled communities, both enforced with a heavy hand by Authority peacekeepers. The lower-levels are a lawless den of scum and villainy out of the reach of the Authority. It is infamous for bing the birthplace of the system's worst criminals, bounty hunters and guerilla fighters. But much of the population of the lower-levels are just poor, desperate people. The people of this world are historically hardworking, industrious and practical in nature. Before the collapses of the Solar Alliance they were also a fairly easy-going and philanthropic people, but now they are cynical and aggressively militant. The whole planet is a powder-keg of political and economic discontentment, just waiting for the Authority to loosen their iron grasp on Omicron.

(This world is located at the one of the unnamed planets near Authority Prime, Elysia and Computronia; see first link above for system map)

Skull Rock: The Space Pirate Hideout
The notorious Skull Rock is the hidden base of the dread Black Star Pirates. It is a large hollow asteroid within The Outer Belt. Time and time again, attempts to destroy Skull Rock ended horribly for Authority fleets thanks in large part for the dangers of navigating The Outer Belt, as well as the ambush tactics deployed by the pirates. Smugglers, slave merchants and Wayfarers are often welcome to the Grand Trading Hall of Skull Rock. The bounty in Skull Rock could buy a whole planet!

(This asteroid is found outside the "ring of life" that makes up the solar system; see first link above for system map)

The Mandalorian (Spoilery)

I Just got done watching the first four episodes of The Mandalorian.

HOLY STUCK-UP, HALF-WITTED, SCRUFFY-LOOKING NURF-HERDER ON A TAUNTAUN!!! THAT WAS GREAT!! IT HIT THE GROUND RUNNING, ALL THE WHILE HITTING ALL THE HIGH NOTES!!! I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT STAR WARS SINCE SEEING YODA IN THE LAST JEDI OR WATCHING THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY ON THE BIG SCREEN FOR THE FIRST TIME!!

*takes deep breath*

OK...

Yes, I love it.

The new series takes the original Boba Fett form the Hoilday Special — twin-prong zap-rifle and all — and puts him in an Akira Kurosawa-inspired Spaghetti Western and the seminal manga Lone Wolf and Cub. It is a well-written and well-acted cinematic series with just the right amount of practical vs CGI effects and lots of beautiful props and locations. You'll find a lot of hommage to the Star Wars franchise and the media that inspired it (Spaghetti Westerns, Kurosawa films, Lone Wolf and Cub, etc.).

Its basically is... IN SPAAACE!!!

I'm going to assume everyone and there dog knows about "Baby Yoda". The internet cant get enough of the Baby Yoda (by the way, he is not actually Yoda, but for the lack of a species name). You can already find memes of him on YouTube (search "Baby Yoda Car Radio"). And yes, he is key to the plot. I know I'm not the only one wanting to sodomize the corpse of Walt Disney with a thick wad of cash to get a damn Baby Yoda plushy for the holidays. IT BETTER BE DAMN KUWT AN NOT SOME SOULLESS-EYED FUNKO POPS FIGURE!!!

In a nutshell, the series is about a faceless Mandalorian Bounty Hunter named Dyn Jarren was hired to recover someone, no questions asked. Once he found him, the nameless "Child", he goes on the run to keep the child safe. That is it! Its an on going series with a big mystery.

ALL HAIL OUR NEW HYPNOTAOD!!!

Unless you are one of those pedantic souls who cannot stand to see a highly unnoticeable boom-mic, or one of those stupid asshats who bitch about Star Trek (of all things) having "too much diversity", then, chances are, you are not going to like anything good, you miserable pieces of shit! For everyone else, I highly recommend it. So far, 5-out-of-5!

Is it worth getting a Disney+ subscription? Fuck no! They are a shitty company and I question their cyber-security. Plus, in the Information Age, why pay for something when you can pirate! ARRRGGG!!! (Or if you really like it, buy the physical media.)

Dead in the Water (for MCC RPG)

Hello everyone!

If it seems that I have not posted in awhile, that because I have been caught up with real life — the bane of all RPG players.

I was working on another art project with Tim Snider and the final product came in my mailbox. Unlike the other projects, this one is for Goodman Games' Mutant Crawl Classic (instead of Mutant Future), and this one showcase a painting I did for him years ago on the cover (while working on the last Mutant Future-based supplement). I was so happy to see one of my pictures on the cover, I wanted to shout it from the rooftop, but them I remembered I have a Blog (pardon the dust... and cobwebs... and the old Christmas boxes... and the dead hookers).

 

 

The 16-page booklet — first featured at Gamehole Con in Madison, WI — is a simple "funnel adventure", for 12 to 16 zero-level characters. For those unfamiliar with Mutant Crawl Classic, as a standard rule, players start with multiple characters due to the high mortality rate at level-zero — once they gain a level, they play a single character with a class, and all the abilities that comes with it. If you cannot tell, where Mutant Future is the spiritual successor of 2nd ed. Gamma World, MCC feels like a successor of 4th ed. GW.

The adventure that takes place in The Rainbow Sea, on the legendary Island of Fire, where horrible mutants that stalk a local fishing village dwell! Your mission is to head out it the island and deal with these foul creatures.